I’m Excited to Get my New Garage Doors

How, you may ask, could anyone be excited about a new garage door? Well, good question. For me, it’s not so much the doors, it’s the four-car garage they’re attached to. A garage that sits across from my 18-room mansion in Dallas, a mansion that is chocked-full of very expensive interior decorating ideas. Am I so shallow that I need to talk about my immense wealth? Not really, it’s much more fun to talk about how I got it. You see, I swindled a swindler, and there is something really delicious about that. And I did it the old fashioned way – I divorced him.

You may have heard of my ex-husband, but for the sake of the lawyers let’s call him “Jim”. Jim is, or should I say, was, in the oil business. Not drilling – cleaning up spills. You know all that boom you see around oil spills that’s supposed to keep the oil from coming aground. My ex-hubby practically invented the stuff, or rather the latest version of it. The original boom has been around forever. Jim did some experiments early on with what they call Exclusion Booming (EB). I know, its sounds all gee-whiz, but all it means is keeping the nasty oil off the poor swamp birds and fish. Well, the problem with EB was that it didn’t work when the water moved fast – the oil just went over the top.

Well, Jim gets this great idea that involves changing what he calls the functional cross-section of the boom. No darling, I don’t have a head for this kind of thing, but Jim swore this doubled the effectiveness of the boom. He gets his friend, let’s call him Dr. Eddie, to run some tests at a large university not too far from here. And what do you know – Dr. Eddie says this stuff is legit. Swears so to the big oil companies — you know, lots of fancy reports.

What the big boys don’t know is the Eddie and Jim have — how do they say it – cooked the books. Jimmy’s boom was actually less effective than the stuff already out there. We had by this time been married 12 years, and believe me, it was no picnic. The stupid SOB made the mistake of telling me about his plan. Needless to say, when the time was just right, I blew the whistle. Fat reward for me, a divorce settlement and jail time for Jim and Eddie. Excuse me, I have to go, I hear my garage door installer pulling up – hope he’s cute!